"Like Me, Please"

Before we begin, a dose of humility.

The story had a beautiful beginning.

1 Samuel 18:1 ESV

As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

1 Samuel 18:2 ESV

And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house.

1 Samuel 18:3 ESV

Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul.

1 Samuel 18:4 ESV

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

1 Samuel 18:5 ESV

And David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him, so that Saul set him over the men of war. And this was good in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.

To love, and be loved. For some, it comes easily. For others...

1 Samuel 18:6 ESV

As they were coming home, when David returned from striking down the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with songs of joy, and with musical instruments.

1 Samuel 18:7 ESV

And the women sang to one another as they celebrated, “Saul has struck down his thousands, and David his ten thousands.”

1 Samuel 18:8 ESV

And Saul was very angry, and this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands, and what more can he have but the kingdom?”

1 Samuel 18:9 ESV

And Saul eyed David from that day on.

"And Saul eyed David from that day on,” and you know the rest of the story.

What happened when fear and pride joined forces in Saul’s life:

1. What other people thought mattered more than what God thought.

2. God’s love was not enough.

3. He valued the approval of people more than the approval of God.

4. Appearances mattered.

5. His heart hardened toward others and toward God.

A warning - pride is not just an issue for the narcissist and the egomaniac.

Signs the fear of insecurity is driving your pride:

1. You compare yourself to others.

Ever find yourself comparing yourself to other people? Of course you do; you’re human. You and I have lots to learn from other people, but insecure people aren’t driven so much by a desire to learn as they are by the desire to know whether they are better or worse than others. There is a world of difference between tracking with others to grow, learn, empathize, or celebrate versus tracking with others to see how you stack up. One is fundamentally healthy, the other, destructive. There’s a lot of sin involved with comparison. Want to see how twisted this is? Sure, maybe you don’t feel great about yourself. But you tell yourself as a source of comfort that at least you’re not as bad off as some other people. So pride compels you to pick out people to convince yourself you’re superior. You may not have your dream body, but at least you’re not as heavy as that certain coworker. You’re no PhD, but gosh, you’re smarter than most of the people in your class. You’re not driving a BMW, but your car isn’t as dented and scratched as your brother-in-law’s. You select people who, in your mind, assure you that you’re brighter, richer, faster, or more attractive. One counselor has a great name for this: comparrogance. It’s the arrogance born of comparison. The fact that you might be afflicted by this condition should come as no surprise. Virtually every ad you’ve ever seen was designed to do two things: first, convince you that your life does not stack up favorably to the general population, and second, persuade you that whatever X Company is offering you will make your life so much better. You’ll totally go from inferior to superior as soon as you get the new product or service. And it will stay that way until, of course, the company releases a new version, which will mean the one you just bought is badly outdated and you, in case you were wondering, are once again inadequate. The cycle is insidious.

2. Your self-worth is determined by your latest performance.

This is a challenge for all of us who are driven by results, which would clearly include me. I’m addicted to progress. If things aren’t moving up and moving on, I become alarmed quickly. In some ways that approach to life is good, and in some ways it can warp your sense of security. One sure sign of insecurity is that your opinion of yourself rises and falls with how you perform or what others say about you. Your identity should be more secure than your latest results, but for many of us, it’s not. How do you know whether you’ve tethered your identity to your performance? As Tim Keller put it, “When work is your identity, success goes to your head, and failure goes to your heart.” 1 Or if work isn’t your particular poison, then substitute whatever else you’ve tied to your identity; you’ll likewise discover that success goes to your head and failure to your heart. Some of you might object and ask whether this means people should just throw up their hands and give up. After all, progress makes life better. But there’s a big difference between taking things seriously and taking things personally. Secure people take issues seriously; they just don’t take them personally anymore. They realize that who they are and what they do are separate things.

3. You can’t celebrate someone else’s success.

Insecure people struggle with celebration. They have a hard time celebrating their own progress because they are never sure they have done well enough. And they have difficulty celebrating the accomplishments of another because someone else’s success threatens them. The pie isn’t large enough for everyone to get a fair slice. If you’re insecure, someone else’s victory means your loss, with the opposite also applying. It’s a zero-sum game. If someone else does well, you can’t help but wonder why you didn’t see the same results, or you feel like the odds are stacked against you. Because you feel bad about yourself, you can’t feel good about others. Once again, insecurity has led you to focus on yourself to the exclusion of others.

4. You squeeze gifted people out of your life.

Pride doesn’t make room for the gifting of others. You’ll find yourself drifting away from your highly successful sister in family settings, not wanting to engage her in conversation beyond “Hello.” You’ll be drawn to friends who are less achieving than you are so that you end up with the best stories and feel superior by comparison. Or if your social circle does include others who have accomplished more than you, you will find yourself deeply envious of them and critical of them behind their backs. Proud people always feel a need to be the most talented or skilled. As a result, the number of gifted people around them is much lower than it is around people who are secure and less obsessed with themselves. Ask yourself, How comfortable am I around people I think are better than me, even at the things I’m good at? That will give you a fair measure of your security. One sign of humble people is the ability to attract and keep people more gifted and competent than themselves for the sake of their team or cause.

5. You want some say in everything.

Proud people end up being controlling people. If insecurity drives you, you’ll always want to add your little bit of knowledge, insight, or even an anecdote to everyone else’s story. It won’t feel complete if the other person gets the spotlight and you get overlooked. You may even tend to be a know-it-all, whether you really are knowledgeable or are just making stuff up to trump others in the conversation. Know-it-alls weren’t much fun in kindergarten; they are less fun in the adult world.

The truth is most of us are talented or even knowledgeable in only one or two areas. Even then, you became that way through the help, encouragement, and assistance of other people. When you value the counsel and input of others, especially on the things you’re best at, you embark on a path toward greater wisdom.

Like Saul, pride hardens the heart. At least four signs:

1. Superior

A proud and hardened heart makes you feel superior to others (notice this crops up all over the place when you’re proud?). Maybe you’re not the best, but you dress a little better, went to a better college, have a slightly nicer house, and had an exotic vacation they didn’t have. No, you’re not the greatest, but you think you’re better than the dollar-store crowd or your cousin with the rusted-out clunker in his side yard. You can’t help but scoff at the guy on the scooter who’s clearly eaten too much in his fifty-odd years. See how ugly superiority gets? Your pride and insecurity need you to be better than somebody— anybody. You drift toward superiority because your inferiority has taken you there.

2. Judgmental

A judgmental attitude springs directly from the noxious well of superiority because to stay ahead, you have to invent reasons why others are behind. To bolster your sense of success, tenuous as it is, you concoct explanations for why you’re better than everyone else. It’s too bad your colleague is facing tough times, but if he worked harder and hustled like you do, well, things would go better for him. It’s sad that the woman in your book group can’t seem to lose weight, but you’re pretty sure she’s not living off kale and coconut oil. There must be empty cartons of ice cream in her trash can. If you ate that much, you’d be her size too. You look down on your weed-smoking neighbor because you would never do that kind of thing (so you tell yourself as you savor your sixteen-ounce steak and those amazing sweet potato fries). After all, self-righteous Christians don’t do drugs. They do food.

3. Unaccountable

A hardened heart will also help you justify avoiding real accountability. You can be creative in how you do that. Sometimes pride will make you decide you’re accountable to no one. You stop listening to your spouse, kids, friends, coworkers, or boss. If you read Scripture or other works that suggest what you’re doing is wrong, you create a tidy rationale for why your situation is different or why the text doesn’t apply to you. Alternatively, pride might have you surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear. They never challenge you, never speak up, and never present hard truth. Or maybe you’ve gradually eliminated all those with an opposing point of view. They disagreed with you, so why would you hang out with them? Unrestrained, pride will relentlessly drive you to remove whatever challenges it, and one of its most consistent threats is accountability.

4. Isolated

Ultimately pride leads you to a very strange space. You think your bragging and devotion to your own success make you better in the eyes of others when they are doing exactly the opposite. The only person your pride impresses is you. Nobody else is attracted to your arrogance or self-absorption. Other people will peel off from you as quickly as they can, or maybe they’ll tolerate you because they have to. You’re their dad, after all, or they work for or with you. But they are motivated to spend zero extra time with you. You may spend your entire life building your kingdom, but just know this: a life devoted to self ultimately leaves you alone. That’s exactly where pride leaves you: isolated.

Consider the Proverbs of the New Testament:

James 3:13 NLT

If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.

James 3:14 NLT

But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying.

James 3:15 NLT

For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.

James 3:16 NLT

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

James 3:17 NLT

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.

James 3:18 NLT

And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

Practicing humility:

1. Never lose your gratitude.

So how do you make sure you never lose your gratitude?

First, express your thankfulness regularly. If you pray, offer prayers of gratitude.

Second, fall more in love with the Giver than you ever do with his gifts.

Third, never claim full credit for your story. Acknowledge the role of grace and providence publicly when you talk.

2. Take the low place - focus on serving, rather than being served.

3. Keep a notebook handy.

Humility learns from anyone, anywhere. It keeps its notebook open. That may take the form of a physical notebook, or it might simply mean you take notes on your phone. Whatever your method, take notes when you have lunch with someone, attend a class, or listen to a talk. Glean insights from others.

4. Push other people into the spotlight.

Pride wants to be acknowledged, recognized, and celebrated. Sometimes pride will have you believing you deserve it. Sometimes it will convince you you’ve been overlooked and the world should recognize the treasure that is you.

5. Get ridiculously honest with yourself (and God).

Pride is like a weed, and humility is like your lawn. Weeds need pretty much no fertilizer or water to grow; they just show up and effortlessly take over. Your lawn needs to be fertilized, aerated, watered, and nurtured to stand a chance of healthy growth.

One of the best ways to win the war against pride is to get ridiculously honest with yourself and with God. Check your motives constantly. Pray about them. Ask other people for a reality check (sometimes they see motivations you’re blind to). If you feel a hint of selfishness, confess it and lay the ugliness out before God.

What do you need to be ridiculously honest about with yourself and with God? What do you need to confess? What describes you that you wish didn’t?

Just know this: Of all the lies we tell, the ones we tell ourselves are the deadliest. Unconfessed and unaddressed, they will continue to damage the people around us (and us) indefinitely. Level with yourself and with God. Everyone else knows your weakness. So does God. Why not admit it?

It’s so easy to spot pride in others. But people who spot it in themselves and cultivate humility develop a much richer, much more fulfilling life.